Quick Note: After I wrote this, I fell asleep, missed my flight from Dubai to New York, waited in lines for 5 hours trying to get another flight, and then somehow ended up in an Irish pub with an Irish man, an American coming home from Afghanistan and a retired nurse from the Netherlands where I had a beer and an Irish breakfast and talked about life. I think that knowledge just makes this hilarious. It just proves that taking yourself too seriously is silly.
Well folks, I’m on my way home as we speak (or whatever). I am currently sitting on a freezing cold marble floor (you heard me, MARBLE) of the Dubai airport. This place is so swanky that I’m actually uncomfortable. I forgot that not everyone in the world are as kind as Thais. I feel like I’ve been thrust back into reality from a wonderful dream. This is a bit jarring. It’s currently 4:14 am in Thailand and 12:17 here in Dubai. I haven’t slept a wink yet and I have another 15-hour flight to look forward to. What all this time has given me though, is the time to think and reflect on what I’ve experienced these past four months. It’s strange. I remember sitting in this airport searching for that silly camel pen (see second post) so that I could begin to chronicle my journey. Now here I am, back where I began. It almost feels as though it never happened. I can still remember being that terrified girl, feeling totally lost and totally uncomfortable in such an international setting. Now, traveling and being among people from all over the world feels homier than I expect America to feel at this point.
Coming to Thailand, I boarded the plane with a suitcase, a heavy load of emotional baggage, and a hope that I somehow would emerge from this experience a new and improved me. I hoped that Thailand’s magic medicine and ‘mai bpen rai’ (roughly translated as ‘no worries’) attitude would save me from my painful past and help me overcome my emotional and personal struggles. I think I more than half expected that in four short months, I would come out of this experience a changed person completely…a healed and whole human being. What I’m finding as my trip is at its end, is that I have changed a great deal, but not necessarily in the ways that I originally thought or hoped that I would.
I would be lying to you all if I said that this was always an easy experience. I’m sure if you’ve been following my blog from the beginning, you know that I’ve struggled quite a bit here. While all of that was occurring, I had this underlying anxiety that it was getting in the way of my healing. I was feeling disappointed that I still have some of the same goals and aspirations as I did one year ago. I felt defeated and stagnant and most of all, dissatisfied with myself for not having changed. What I now realize is that it was part of my healing. Yes, I still have some of the same goals, but as a result of this journey I am now better equipped to achieve those ambitions.
I have dreams. Big dreams. I feel frustrated all the time that I’m not already living those dreams. Before coming here, I felt ready to achieve those goals. I was so naïve. If I were really ready, my dreams would be a reality. I’m learning how to live presently and appreciate each step of the journey rather than constantly project my attention forward into an imagined future. I keep trying to reach a time and place where I will be happy, but I should be focusing on the happiness I am experiencing in my present moment. I’m learning how to live consciously. I’m also learning how to appreciate steady progress. Changes take time. I am not complete. I am 20. Contrary to what I previously believed, that is not an adult. I am SO young. But I’m growing, a little bit everyday. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m certainly on my way. What a gift.
I would now like to share with you some things that I am taking away with me from this trip. It’s knowledge that I will forever hold with me somewhere between my head and my heart. I hope it reaches you the way it has me.
- Not everyone is going to support every decision that you make. That has to be okay sometimes.
- Being true to yourself, even when people don’t support your decisions is the best course of action. When you truly love yourself and treat yourself with loving-kindness, you help keep the Universe in order and allow others an opportunity to learn to do the same by being a living example. Sadly, others may not always see it that way.
- Listening to your intuition is crucial. Have faith in what you feel and follow it. It is always the best way no matter what appearances may be. It’s called a blessing in disguise.
- When others are “against” you, or even “attacking” you, don’t retaliate. I cannot stress that enough. Instead, have compassion for all involved and attempt to treat everyone with loving-kindness, including you.
- Always extend the olive branch even if it is rejected. That way you can have no regrets.
- Everyone that enters your life does so for a reason. Especially those who pose a challenge. Attempt to see the positive things that can come out of those challenges rather than being angry or fearful.
- Baby steps are an imperative part of real change. It may seem like it takes longer, but it gives you an opportunity to really pause where you are and appreciate that place.
- Attempting to grow up too fast is a mistake. Youth is a gift and a blessing. With it, comes a passion and an enthusiasm that enables you to fuel real change in the world. Value youth and try to keep that alive in your heart forever. Bodies grow older, but hearts don't have to.
- Not everything ends the way that you want it to, but it ends the way that it has to. Having faith in a positive outcome for all ensures that positive outcome.
- Holding onto things too tightly is the most certain way to lose them. Wanting something too badly pushes it farther away. Just be where you are and love what you have.
- Learning how to let go is difficult, but essential. Accepting that all things are temporary helps you change and flow with the Universe. Attempting to go against the current only keeps you in one place. Just allow.
- Being uncomfortable is okay.
- Acceptance of yourself and others is of the utmost importance. Looking at all things through the eyes of love is a blessing and a gift that should not be passed up.
- It’s okay to dream big. Don’t be afraid of what your heart truly desires. It’s your calling. Follow it fearlessly and faithfully.
- Don’t ask why something is happening. Ask how you can resolve it.
- When you stop viewing yourself as the center of the Universe, you realize that there is a whole beautiful world outside of yourself. Go explore!
- So cliché, but the journey is the destination. Trying to be anywhere else but where you are is a mistake.
- We all seem like we are just fragile, flawed creatures, trying to find a place among billions in a world that needs a little TLC. In reality, we are perfect children of God. We have to try and remember this despite appearances.
- Faith is key.
- Having patience with others is very important. It allows you not to be frustrated by the actions of others, and allows others the time to try and succeed.
- The world is a beautiful place. It really is. It just needs time to heal. But it will. It has to.
To be honest, I’m very sad that this is over. I’m so far away from people, things and palces that I’ve grown to love so much. But it’s okay. I'm just starting something new. Lucky me.
Thank you all so much for being on this journey with me. I have loved sharing this experience with all of you. I am so very grateful for all the feedback, love, and support of my readers, my friends. You are all so wonderful. Your presence made this journey easier, believe it or not. I never felt alone because of you. I love you all.
As they say in Thailand, “Sahwadeeka and good luck for you!”
Love Always,
As they say in Thailand, “Sahwadeeka and good luck for you!”
Love Always,
Zoey
