“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today's Mood Music: The song that reminds me of you most Anna Sun- Walk the Moon. It was the first song you ever recommended to me and of course it was dead on. You suggested I use it to wake up in the mornings so I felt jazzed for class. I didn't forget. By the way, the kid in this video dances just like you. It makes me laugh. I have it on repeat right now. 


Remember to check out my Flickr page as well.


This post is kind of directed at someone special, but honestly, I think this is an important lesson that we should all hope to learn at some point in our lives (if I may say so myself). 


One of the most difficult parts of transformation is the processes of shedding what no longer serves you. Even though you know that that person, action, behavior, thought, character trait or so on is not healthy for you at that current moment in your life, the idea of being without it is excruciating. One of the most difficult things that I have had to do since coming here was let go of my very best friend in the world.


This person gave me friendship like I've never understood it before. He taught me what it is to be a good friend. He stood by me when I was at my lowest, when I treated him poorly, and when I begged him to walk away because I couldn't handle closeness. I had a bad tendency of pushing people away before they could leave me of their own volition. He and I dated for a little while which did not turn out well because I could not differentiate the deep platonic love I felt for him from a romantic love. Even when I ended up breaking up with him, he stayed by my side as my best friend. For all the good that we gave each other, there also (naturally) came some bad. We began to lean on one another too much. There is a difference between closeness and attachment, and we blurred that line. I was sharing every little up and down with him which is all fine and dandy, but now that I'm here, surrounded by all my wonderful new friends, I forget sometimes that I came here to be independent. Not just from him, but from everyone.There are so many people around me here and back home who want to love and care for me, but I have to learn to do it myself for once. I need not to lean on him right now. I need to learn to be self-reliant and to develop a better relationship with myself. Realizing this hurt more than I can say, but I knew it was time to let him go and get some distance in order to achieve some clarity in my own life. I felt like part of me was being ripped away, but I understood that it had to happen. What hurt even more, was that I saw him gaining independence as well (and starting to date other girls). It destroyed me to see this happening, so in anger I pushed him away and said some very hurtful things. I could see that we were both changing and it terrified me. I kept thinking about what would happen if we changed SO much that we could no longer be friends. When I got a second to step back, I realized why I was doing it and that actually, in a way, that this was for the best. If we don't take advantage of this time apart to become stronger individuals, we would be cheating ourselves out of a stronger, more healthy friendship. He NEEDS to start dating other people whether I like it or not and I NEED to learn how to take care of myself when I'm hurting or upset. This is exactly what we need right now and if I hadn't pulled away, I would have been robbing us both of a chance to truly grow as individuals. I don't want to need him in my life, I want to want him and enjoy him just for who is he, not for what he brings to my life, and I would hope for the same from him. That can't happen unless we take this time to truly be apart. Learning how to let go before the situation became toxic and we became too dependent on one another is never something I've been good at and it's ruined a lot of relationships for me. Not this time. I hope he can see that I let him go (for now) because I really love him as a friend. I want him to have independence and freedom and happiness. I want to become stronger and more self-sufficient. I also needed to be mature enough to not lash out at him for doing what he had to do. So, I had to make a difficult decision, but honestly, it was right and although it's painful and I miss him, I don't regret it. It still terrifies me that we may have changed or will change so much in this time apart that we can't make a friendship work, but I have to embrace that fear just as I do with all other things that scare me here, and understand what is best for us both. 


I'm sharing this with all of you for a multitude of reasons, but primarily because learning to let go of the things and people we love is so, so, so vital to life. I've said it about a billion times in a few of my posts, but letting go is one of the hardest things we learn as human beings, but it is one of the most rewarding. It can be agonizing. I have definitely cried over this. However, the pain is worth whatever personal growth is gained from realizing that we truly need nothing and no one but ourselves and recognizing ourselves as whole individuals who need for nothing. When we view ourselves as part of the whole, we learn how to appreciate those around us as blessings and stop viewing them as necessities. People deserve to be truly loved and you cannot truly love someone if you think you need them or if you use them as a crutch. We must really know and love ourselves before we can truly love another in the purest sense. It's my time to learn how to do both. 


So friend, if you're reading this, let me say: “Even though we've changed and we're finding our own place in the world, we know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not still friends.” 


I still love you and I miss you. This is just something I have to do on my own. I know you're confused but I really do think that one day you'll see that this is what you need too and be glad that it happened. 

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.”- Albert Einstein

Mood Music: Breeze by Apollo Sunshine
Flickr Set for this post: Elephant Camp: My Magical Day with Gentle Giants


Hello All!


So remember last weekend when I said I had the best weekend of my life? Well, this weekend gave last weekend a run for its money!


For those of you who don't know me super well, after college, I would love to travel the world learning all types of healing modalities in their country of origin, in the hopes of one day opening my own wellness center. My journey towards beginning that process took shape last week at the Yoga Mala Festiva here in Chiang Mai where I connected to a community of alternative healers who I can learn from for the future. If you read my post from last weekend, you know that I attended two work shops while there and the two men who led those workshops reappeared in my life this weekend. 


Just to bring you up to speed, I attended a workshop on hypnosis and one on Qi Gong. The first man, Nick, talked about how we have all been hypnotized by the collective consciousness of the world to ignore our true selves, which keeps us from finding peace. He then performed a group hypnosis to help us all connect to inner peace and peace between all of us. It was beautiful. At the end of this session he spoke about a workshop he was holding on self-hypnosis this past weekend (what would be a week from the Yoga Mala Festival) and I knew from the moment that he mentioned it that I needed to go. 

Then, a man named Guy led a Qi Gong session. Qi Gong is a form of energy transfer for those of you who don’t know. In this session, we focused our collective energy on a group of crystals and then used that energy to send love and light out to the world and its inhabitants. It was beautiful and very powerful. I really felt the energy. During the session he spoke about people he was seeing and asked us to send them love and light. After the workshop I wanted to ask him how he was seeing those people to compare it to how I channel the energy of others when I perform card readings, but he disappeared before I could ask him. This is all important to know so that I can explain how it ties into this past weekend. 

Anyway, my two friends, Berrett, Liz, and I signed up for Nick's workshop this past Saturday. Although I'm into alternative healing, hypnosis has never really been on my radar in terms of things that I believe in, but he was so inspirational at the YM Festival, that I was at the very least intrigued by what he had to say. Also, I need to start deciding which modalities I myself hope to practice in the future, so exploring as many as I can is a must. On Saturday morning, we met up bright and early and headed out in a song-tao to the Blue Diamond Cafe, an amazing Vegan/Vegetarian restaurant for breakfast. We had delicious wholesome omelets, banana pancakes with cinnamon and brown sugar, fresh squeezed orange juice and more!  Then, we found our way to Healing Light, a wellness center here in Chiang Mai which is where the workshop was held. Nick was warm and welcoming and we sat on the floor on meditation pillows in a circle and talked to him a bit about our time here. As people began to file in, I saw some familiar faces from the Yoga Mala festival. Of the thirteen people there, Guy, the Qi Gong master was one of them! I couldn't believe that the two healers I wanted to learn more from and about where right there with me! The others were also interesting. Some of them gave me bad vibes, but others were so open. One woman who was suffering from a broken heart talked to me about it. She was so sweet. She asked if she could hold my hand on our back from our lunch break at the Salad Concept (one of my personal faves here in Chiang Mai which happens to be a block from Healing Light!) and we talked so openly about how she was feeling. By the end of the day, she actually gained some comfort which was stupendous to see. In the workshop, we learned how to put ourselves into a deep trance, find a "happy place" so to speak, and once there, how to use positive statements to reprogram our way of thinking. He explained it as a cycle that begins with an experience (although technically the cycle can begin at any of the stages) that then makes us have a belief about ourselves. Those beliefs create thoughts and images in our mind, which lead to emotions, which lead to behavior, which causes others to have reactions to our behavior which then creates an experience and so it goes. Basically what you imagine is a preview of what you call into your life, therefore, you must think positively to attract positivity (something I've always believed!) It was fascinating and we all really gained something from it. It brought things up for my friends and me that we really needed to process and release. 

During some of the short breaks in the workshop I was able to talk to both Guy and Nick about seeing them privately for instruction on different healing modalities. They both took an interest in me and are taking me on as a student. In my time here, I will at the very least begin the process of becoming a certified reiki master and crystal healer!! I am so excited, I cannot even tell you. This is exactly what I came here to do. I am surrounded by people who not only show me that the life I want is possible, but they want to help me make it happen!!! I feel so blessed and I cannot wait to see what I can learn form them. It's time like this where I randomly end up in the right place in the right time that helps me keep my faith in the Universe. We had heard about the Yoga Mala festival so randomly and decided to go on a whim. The only two workshops I took happened to be led by Nick and Guy, and Guy happened to attend Nick's workshop. Synchronicity at work! I feel so blessed. My dreams are beginning to come true! The night was made even better when my friends and I got sushi for dinner and went to the Saturday walking market for some amazing $4 massages! 

Just when I thought life couldn't possibly be any better, the Universe proved me wrong. I spent yesterday at an Elephant camp with Liz, Hillary, Claire, Erin, and Allison, 5 girls on my trip who I really love. Elephant camp is another name for a habitat or sanctuary where elephants are either rescued or born on the land and live happy lives protected from poachers and other dangers. Although they are not free, it might actually be better for them. 


We were picked up at 7:45 in the morning, so we were all very groggy and pretty unenthused. The fog was quickly lifted though when we arrived. As soon as we stepped out of the van, we were led just a few feet through a rice field to see a mother elephant and her 1.5 month old baby! I couldn't believe my eyes. This was NOTHING like being at the zoo or watching Animal Planet. There were REAL LIVE ELEPHANTS right in front of me! They were just roaming free around the camp. They came right up to us and allowed us to touch them. It was nothing like I expected. Elephants have very sparse, wirey hair that covers their body. Their skin is like dry leather and their trunks are just strange until you get used to them! After meeting the entire group and a touching orientation from the camp owner, we were led in smaller groups to different huts that were surrounded by our elephants. For the sake of price, we each shared an elephant with another girl. I shared an elephant with Liz. Her name was Plau which means "Jewelry" in Thai. She is magnificent. She is a 14 year old who was rescued from the circus a year and a half ago. Although she can do tricks, the elephant camp we went to believes that it is cruel to make elephants do things that other camps support like playing soccer, standing on their hind legs, etc which my friends and I really respect. We started by feeding our elephants. By giving them food, we established a positive relationship with them that would be vital throughout the day. We then learned how to care for our elephants and give them health checks. This included picking up, smelling and searching through their dung for clues about the condition of their teeth, their hydration level, and so on. We also checked to see if they were sweating enough (Elephants sweat out of their cuticles of their toenails) to see if they were getting enough to drink.


We then commanded our elephants to lie on the ground by saying "NON-LAB" which is Thai for "sleep". Once they were on the ground we used banana leaves  to brush the dirt off their backs. Elephants only sleep for about 6 hours per night, but their sleep is interrupted because they need to switch sides constantly throughout the night. With all this tossing and turning, the elephants back is covered in dirt by morning, so it was our job to clean it off. Next, we walked our elephants over to the river to bathe them. It was very fun, but also serious. Elephants have particular skin-care needs (Shoutout to my skin care team at YOLO MED SPA back home :] ) and it's important to brush them and wash them a certain way. It was SUPER fun until my friend Claire was mauled by the baby elephant. She was terrified, as we all were, until she realized that it was just trying to play. Even a 1.5 month old elephant weighs hundreds of pounds though and Claire's tiny frame was no match for the over-sized puppy. She went down and was crushed between the river bank and the baby. Just when Claire was rescued, the baby set its sights on Allie and rammed her as well, destroying her camera. As scary as this was, we all understood that the elephant was not angry or malicious, so Claire and Allie bravely went back to their grooming duties. (I love you, girls! I'm so proud!!)


Next, we were taught how to mount, ride, and direct our elephants. All of the commands were in Thai and also included gentle body language and nudges. Elephants are extremely smart (chaa-laat in Thai) but can be very stubborn! We climbed up their trunks and awkwardly climbed our way onto their backs. Their spines are so large and boney that by the end of the day we all had terrible pains in our backsides (totally worth it, though!) We led our elephants on a thrilling ride through rivers and mud, across a highway, and up a mountain into a rainforest until we reached a waterfall. The mud was so slippery at times and the hike so steep both up and down that I sometimes feared for my life! Once there, we had a delicious picnic lunch on rocks in the rainforest in the middle of the river that overlooked the waterfall. We had sticky rice with pork and corn, sticky rice with coconut and banana, passion fruit, dragon fruit, bananas, prickly fruit, fried chicken, pumpkin custard muffins, coconut pancakes and more! I was feeling so full and satisfied in my heart AND my stomach! I found my way onto a rock in the middle of the river right near the falls and laid down to listen to the water. Just as I was settling into a meditation Liz came over and we had a wonderful conversation. (Liz, since I know you're reading this: you are insightful and inspiring. I love you and you add so much to my life. Thanks for being my friend.) 


I would say what came next was perhaps the best part of all. We had the opportunity to slide down a bit of the falls into a swimming hole where we SWAM AND PLAYED WITH THE ELEPHANTS!!!! I didn't think that life could get any better until it started to rain!! I WAS PLAYING IN THE RAIN, IN THE RAINFOREST, IN A WATERFALL, WITH ELEPHANTS. MY LIFE IS SO COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My friends and I honestly could not believe this was real life. We just played and splashed and slid down the waterfall and were truly in paradise. After our treacherous ride back to camp on the elephants, we said our farewells to our new friends (the elephants!) and hopped in the vans to go home. To top off this perfect day, we saw a rainbow on our way. 


Take a look! 

I would say that life is nothing short of beautiful for me right now. I feel so blessed for all of these wondrous adventures I take part in and the incredible opportunities I am given each day. Not only that, but the doors for a successful future are opening for me. By following my heart and my passion and having faith in myself and the Universe, things are really starting to happen for me. Every minute brings a miracle with it. It is a miracle the way that synchronicity brought me to that workshop this weekend. It's a miracle that elephants are strong enough to carry me up and and down steep, muddy mountains. The mountains are miracles. The rainforest and all its creatures are miracles. My friends are miracles. The healing going on in my personal life is a miracle. Each and every minute I am beginning to notice more and more the handy work of God surrounding me and I feel blessed to be a part of it and a witness to it.  


Thanks for reading! 


Here's a taste of what you'll see on my Flickr Page!

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey."- Kenji Miyazawa

It only seemed appropriate that today's mood music would be the song that inspired this post:
Fireworks by Animal Collective

I want to talk a little bit about loss. To clearly state my thoughts, I will use a very personal example that I don’t often share with many.

I was deeply in love with someone from the beginning of my freshman year of college until the middle of my sophomore year. Truth is, some part of me is still in love with who he used to be. When we broke up, I was destroyed. I allowed my pain to cause me to act in terrible ways and I really was not my best self. I hurt intensely for at least six months. I felt like the boy I had loved had literally died because he was gone and he was never coming back. Our time together was over. Our break up had changed us both so much that there was no turning back and we actually became enemies. Recently though, we had found peace, put the past behind us, and I thought that I had finally gotten over him. Then today, my friend unknowingly played his old favorite song from when we first started dating, and I immediately broke down. I really lost it. It was SO unexpected and I never imagined that I would react that way to something that reminded me of him, especially at this point nine months after our break up. In that instant, I was thrown back, heart-first into the pain I felt when I lost him. It was like it was happening all over again.

It is BEYOND difficult to lose someone or something. It is agonizing. Letting go, is the hardest thing that human beings must learn how to do. What I’m coming to realize though, is that if I look inside myself, I can see that nothing is ever really lost. I may have lost this boy, but I will ALWAYS hold my memories of our time together in my heart. Each moment I’ve shared with him is stored somewhere in my heart and soul and I will always possess those things, therefore, he is always with me and a part of me. Not only that, but the lessons I learned from that relationship will stay with me forever as well. If we are all really made from the same thing, if we are all really a part of the One, then nothing can ever be lost. If we are all one (which I firmly believe that we are), then there is nothing to lose. Everything you could ever hope to have is already somewhere within you. Everything beautiful you see around you is also inside you. In this way, loss is a non-event. You cannot lose anything as long as you have yourself and your faith that we are all a part of Love, God, the One. With this knowledge, letting go is also a non-event. There is nothing to let go of, just the illusion of something being separate from you. The people around you are also a part of you as you are a part of them and in that way, you cannot let go. You don’t have to.

Obviously, this is just a concept and in this reality we call a world, it is extremely difficult to actualize. It would take a LOT of faith and very little investment in the human experience. I am certainly not at that level, but I strive to be.  This does not have to be applied simply to the loss of a person or thing, but can also refer to the loss of the way we act , think, feel or see the world. At this point, Thailand is helping me see that when you let go of something, you are immediately filled with something else (usually something better!). I came here and had to let go of my friends back home, my family, everything comfortable and familiar, and ultimately my “self” as a person. The whole experience reminds me of the quote “We let go of things that are good to make way for things that are great.” And that is really what I’m doing. I am letting go of the things that stood between me and a better relationship with my friends, family, and myself. I have been trying not to hold on in my life in so many ways. I have been working on releasing pain and guilt and bad memories. I have been working on releasing my need to control so much in my life and to control those around me. I have donated my clothes and attempted to live with fewer worldly possessions. I've been working on releasing bad habits and behaviors that don't serve me. Since being here, I have been asked to actively do these things at a higher level than I was before. I have been asked to step out of my comfort zone and abandon ideas that I held about the world, myself, and my place in the world. I have been asked to learn to let go and accept loss even when I feel like the world around me is crumbling and I as a person am caving in. I came to Thailand to be brave, and part of that is letting go of everything in my life that isn't positive and learning to accept loss even though it scares me to death.

I wish just having this knowledge made it easier, but it doesn’t. I still miss that person (as he was back then) and the time we had together. Hearing his favorite song still hurts. This knowledge may not remove the pain, but each time I attempt to truly LIVE those ideas rather than just understand them, the pain seems to subside a bit. I think this is where I will finally learn patience. A little bit of effort everyday and loss will seem less gigantic and positivity and faith will prevail.

I mean, they have to...right? 

“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.”- Mary Manin Morrissey

Mood Music: Have You Seen In Your Dreams-Miracle Fortress

Check out my new set on Flickr: "Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in doing."-Anon

Special thanks to Hillary and Erin for the photos!

Saturday and Sunday were possibly two of the best days of my entire life. I tend to speak hyperbolically, but trust me, this is no exaggeration.  I have been here exactly one month today, and it was the perfect way to celebrate my one-month anniversary with my one true love…Thailand. I pushed myself in ways that I never imagined that I could and found that by eliminating doubt, I was able to see that my dreams are on their way to becoming a reality as long as I continue to gently push myself and face my fears.

I must preface this story by telling you all that I have a paralyzing fear of heights. I cannot convey to you how truly terrified I am. I mean that. I am afraid of bridges, carnival rides, even just being on the top floor of the mall! Just thinking about being high up makes my feet tingle and my stomach do flips. Heights me sick and panicky and I usually break down in tears because I’m so afraid of falling to my death. This is important knowledge for the following story :) 

My friends and I had been planning to do a weekend trip with an amazing outdoor company called Flight of the Gibbons for some time now. We had originally intended to do an entire weekend stay where we would zip-line one day, spend the night at a home stay in a village in the mountains and go white water rafting the next day. This would have been insanely expensive though, and some people would not have been able to afford to go. Since this time of year is not particularly safe for white water rafting here in Thailand (it’s the rainy season), we decided to cut the trip to just a day of zip-lining so that it would be safer and more affordable for everyone who wanted to go.

Quick Side Note: My friend Hillary organized the whole thing and I totally want to give her a shout out right now. HILLARY YOU ARE THE BOMB!!! THANK YOU SO, SO, SO MUCH FOR RESEARCHING AND ARRANGING ONE OF THE COOLEST THINGS I’VE EVER DONE IN MY WHOLE LIFE. You are the best! Love you!

But I digress…we were met outside of our dorm at 1:30 in the afternoon by two vans that would take us on our second long, windy car ride of the month. Great. We ventured up the mountains on narrow roads full of hairpin turns, beautiful scenery, and a few close calls. The car ride was made better by this fantastic story from my friend Alex. If you are not a fan of poop or poop stories then please skip ahead: Alex was late meeting us to leave. We were all sort of annoyed until he explained why. Here in Thailand, they use squirters instead of toilet paper. Squirters are little handheld hoses with a handle that you squeeze in to release water to clean yourself with located next to the toilet. Alex had needed to poop for some time but was unable to so he stopped by 7-11 to get some coffee to help speed up the process. He knew we were all waiting for him to he rushed back and tried to poop. Luckily, he was able to. For some reason, he decided using the squirter would be faster than using toilet paper. When he reached for the squirter, the handle broke off and fell into the toilet. The water was spraying all over the bathroom and Alex had to find a way, pants around ankles, to control the hose and retrieve the handle. He was able to find a knob to turn off the water without needing the handle after a few minutes of wrestling with the hose and spraying water all over his bathroom. The only problem…the handle was still in the toilet. He solved this problem by wrapping his hand in a ton of toilet paper and throwing his hand into the toilet with ninja-like speed and tossing it into the sink to rinse. Needless to say, the entire car laughed so hard we were brought to tears hearing this story. Time one of the day that I cried.

When we arrived at the headquarters of Flight of the Gibbons, we were greeted by some wonderful crew members who immediately made us feel at ease. Thailand is full of jokesters and tom-foolery (you’re darn-tootin I just said tom-foolery…and darn-tootin) and the relaxed attitudes of the guides made us feel safe while allowing us to not take the experience too seriously. We filled out paper work, were weighed and then outfitted in our helmets and harnesses. We then hopped back in the vans and were driven to our drop off point where we began our hike through the rainforest. The scenery was beautiful. I had only been in a rainforest once before on a trip to Puerto Rico years ago and I had forgotten how rejuvenating and electrifying it feels there. My nerves unfortunately made it impossible for me to fully take in and enjoy the scenery. When we arrived at the first platform, I could feel my knees knocking against one another violently. I began to shake looking at the drop off from the platform to the ground and I was made even more nervous by seeing how high up the platform was that I was supposed to land on! The fear really started to kick in and I began to cry. Time number two of the day. My friends were SO SO SO kind and supportive and did their best to calm me and help me enjoy the experience. Finally, it was my turn and stepped up to the edge of the platform. Many of my friends were behind me, encouraging me and others were on the other end of the line telling me how fun it was. I breathed in, sat back in my harness, and jumped! I did it, I was in the air and before I knew it, I was back on another platform in a tree top. This pattern of extreme terror and exhilaration continued for the following 6 zip-lines. Each time I tried so hard not to look over the edges of the platform as I anxiously awaited my turn to do what I felt was endanger my life. 

At one point we took a break and hiked to the next platform which, for a change, was on the ground and not in a tree. At this check point, we were led slightly off the path to a collection of trees where we saw, get ready for this.......A REAL, LIVE GIBBON CARING FOR ITS BABY. It was literally just meters from us in the trees. It was so moving. We stayed and looked at it for ten minutes or so, but it felt like an hour. I was literally moved to tears. Time three of the day that I cried. It was at this moment that I looked around and realized "I am really in the rain forest of Thailand, zip-lining over beautiful scenery, conquering my fears, and witnessing beauty and love all around me". It just felt so unreal. I couldn't believe that this was my life. 

It was at this point that we walked back over to the platform of the highest, longest zip-line of the day, and in the world. It was time for the big one. I braced myself. I was ready not to be afraid anymore. I had to do this and gosh-darnit I was going to enjoy it! Once more, I sat back in my harness and jumped out onto the line. This was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I was high above the trees, speeding through the rainforest, thousands of feet off the ground. It felt like flying. I let out a series of tribal screams and let loose. I felt free. I had faced my fears and actually enjoyed it. For one moment of the entire trip I stopped being terrified for my life and just let myself relax into the beauty of the moment. I cried. Fourth time of the day. 

At this point, we were back to a series of shorter (yet still VERY high) zip-lines. Each station had some aspect that made it slightly more challenging. At one station, we had a mini-bungee jump. I decided that I wanted to do it, but when it actually came time to do it, I couldn't make myself jump off. I began to cry and panic so the instructor shoved me off the edge to the horror and surprise of my friends. It was exactly what I needed though so it's alright. At the end of that line I had to climb a rope web up to the next platform. At the next station, we had to belay down to a lower platform in order to continue, I was terrified but again, I pushed myself and found that I was once again more courageous than I even knew. It was good that I did though because the next time we had to belay down was THREE TIMES HIGHER!!! That time I even belayed down upside down for fun! Just when I was getting comfortable with the whole thing, on the very last line, the instructor decided to play a very mean prank on me. When I was coming in for a landing, instead of helping me onto the platform, he pretended to slip and pushed me back out, getting me stuck on the zip-line. I FREAKED OUT. I cried and lost it. I  knew it was a prank but I was so afraid of falling, I didn't have time to laugh. Time number five of the day that I cried. I was so relieved to be done with the experience though that the tears faded fast and I just set into a feeling of pride and joy for having done it. I accomplished something I never thought that I could. 

We hiked out of the rain forest and were then taken to a beautiful waterfall to unwind and relax after such a long, full day. The falls were beautiful and really gave me time to reflect on what I had just been through.  The hike up to the top was killer though. I have neglected to mention that I've started "Insanity" the new work out craze known to be the hardest work out known to man so my legs were already VERY VERY VERY VERY sore and the hike at the falls didn't help at all. 

We were then taken back to headquarters to enjoy a beautiful, home-cooked meal at a beautiful hut on the river with live music. Afterwards, my friends and I explored a Saturday night street market before going back to the roof top bar to listen to music, have wonderful conversation, and just relax with one another. It was SUCH an amazing day. I felt so full and complete. 

Sunday, was a really special day as well. It was day two of the Yoga Mala Festival here in Chiang Mai at The Spa Resort. We had missed day one because of zip-lining but it was alright. I unfortunately don’t have pictures from this day but the grounds of the spa were GORGEOUS. We had full access to their pool, Jacuzzi, steam room and sauna. There were food stands, vendors, workshops, yoga, pilates, meditation groups, healings, card readings and more. It was incredible.

We started the day out by getting a free radio esthetic reading of our energy. I am totally into this kind of thing yet had never heard of this medium so I was very interested in seeing how it worked. He affirmed some things for me that I believed about myself and my friends and all in all it was a great experience. The man who did the reading was also just fascinating to talk to. He was born in the UK, lived in France where he met his wife, spent time as a monk and now taught at a school for monks. He was incredible and very inspiring.

We then walked up a VERY high hill to a beautiful gazebo which looked out over the mountains. They seemed to go on forever. A hypnosis workshop was being held there. This man, Nick, talked about how we have all been hypnotized by the collective consciousness of the world to ignore our true selves, which keeps us from finding peace. He then performed a group hypnosis to help us all connect to inner peace and peace between all of us. It was beautiful and a few of us intend to go to a workshop of his next weekend.

Then, a man came up the gazebo and led a Qi Gong session. Qi Gong is a form of energy transfer for those of you who don’t know. In this session, we focused our collective energy on a group of crystals and then used that energy to send love out to the world and its inhabitants. It was beautiful and very powerful. I really felt the energy but some of my friends were less connected. I felt SO relaxed and peaceful after this whole thing but slightly emotionally exhausted between all of that and the day before.

We walked back down the hill to the main area of the fair and ate some delicious vegan food before getting wooden block massages. These massages were done by beating a block of wood against us with another block of wood. It looked painful but felt amazing and was a really great thing to try.

Soon after that, I went off to have a card reading. The woman was very talented and even performed some energy work on me. It was very much like what I hope to do in the future in terms of style and how many mediums she incorporates in to one reading.

The whole day was very important to me in particular because this is exactly what I hope to do with my life. It was so important me to see that its possible and that there is community support for such an alternative lifestyle. I want to spend my life traveling and learning about different healing modalities and then open my own healing wellness center. I don’t often feel so supported. I am very fortunate to have my family and friends support me so much in my quest for a career in alternative healing, but for the most part, the kind of life I hope to live is very judged and looked at as an oddity. I know there a lot of people who don’t believe in the spiritual realm that I do and who do not believe that I am able to connect to it and perform readings and such so it really filled my soul and revamped my dreams to be around such open, supportive people who operate on the idea that love is all there is. I talked to people from all over the world who are actually out there living the life I dream of living. It made me feel like it really can happen if I have faith in the Universe to guide me there and don’t allow the negativity of others to become obstacles for me.

We ended the day by celebrating my friend Jenica’s birthday at a great Italian restaurant. It was the first semi-authentic tasting Italian food I’ve had since being here which was a nice change!

Writing this all out was a bit emotionally draining, I hope I was able to convey everything well. It honestly was a life-changing weekend. Not only did I see that my dreams CAN and WILL become a reality, but I also faced my greatest fear and allowed others to see me vulnerable in the process. I allowed others to be there for me and at points, I returned that love and support when needed. It reminded me of the wonderful support system I have around me, the beauty that surrounds me here in Thailand, how fortunate I am to be here, and how strong and brave I can be! Not only did a face a literal fear of heights, but I saw that I don't have to be afraid to want an alternative lifestyle. I learned that my faith will help me achieve my dreams. I would say it was a great success over all!!

As for the post I talked about last time, it is still coming. We did not have internet from Thursday night until this morning, so I’m a little behind, but it’s a-comin so check back soon and don’t forget to go to my flickr and see pictures from all the things I talked about in this post!

Until Next Time my Lovelies!! xoxo 

“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”-Helen Keller

Today's Mood Music: Singing to the Earth (To Thank Her for You)- Apollo Sunshine
Also, don't forget about my Flickr: Thailand, My Land.

I thought for this post that it might be fun to compile a list of things that I've learned about the world and myself since being here. This list is what I feel that I've taken from this experience thus far that I'm able to articulate. There is so much more that I’ve gained, but it’s knowledge that is stored somewhere between my mind and my heart that is removed from language and expression. It just fills my soul. Some of what I’ve gained, I did not include because it was simply things I already believed that were affirmed by life experience. In my opinion, the best way to learn :)

I am SO much stronger, more confident, and more courageous than I give myself credit for. 

I literally CAN do anything I set my mind to.

Cutting ourselves short only imposes illusionary limitations upon us. Those limitations keep us from living our lives to the fullest. 

Gently pushing ourselves out of your comfort zone a little bit each day gets us places we never dreamed of going.

Being patient with ourselves is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves.

Everything around us is a miracle. When we start to see things this way, nothing is scary and everything is beautiful.

There is SO much beauty in the world to see. We don’t have to travel far, we jut have to open our eyes.

We really are all connected.

So much of the human experience is shared and universal. If we were to live with this knowledge in our hearts at all times and not allow ourselves to forget it, it would be so much easier to be compassionate for our fellow man.

At the same time, there are things in the world that are simultaneously relative and universal. For instance, no one seems to be happy with their appearance. In America, people want to be tan. In Thailand, every soap and lotion has a whitening agent in it. We all seem to be trying to achieve a standard of beauty that doesn’t exist. This can be applied to so many standards we set for ourselves…beauty, strength, intelligence…the list goes on and on. Being content with who we are would be a much more effective use of our time and energy.

We have a choice to be happy. It starts by loving ourselves. 

It is okay to be open with other people. It is okay be vulnerable with others. 

It is important to trust that people will like and love us even if we do let our guard down and allow others to see our weaknesses. In fact, it gives them a better opportunity to know and love us for who we truly are. 

We don't need to know people for a long time to be close to and trust them. 

Maintaining a positive attitude is difficult, but important and really gives us the extra “oomph” we need sometimes to achieve something or overcome something. It is in this way that we learn how to be self-sufficient and independent.

Being independent does not mean doing everything on our own. Sometimes it takes more strength to open up or ask for help.

The people around us most likely have something that we lack; and odds are, we have something they lack. It is about finding a constant balance of give and take and being open to learn from others and teach them what we know. (This came primarily from a great quote by my good friend, Elizabeth Horwitz, thanks Liz!)

Not allowing ourselves to be brought down by the moods or emotions of others is extremely important. The same goes for things that annoy us. We have the power to decide how we feel and whether or not we will allow something to bother us. Since it takes far less energy to be happy than angry or resentful, the choice is clear. It is not always easy, but it is SO worth it!

Working to live is better than living to work.

A simple smile or kind gesture transcends any language barrier.

Being foreign is not always fun. There are people who will assume things of us because of where we come from. We have the choice to change those perceptions by acting from our hearts.

By the same token, assuming something of others because of there they come from is simply not good for anyone involved, the person doing the assuming or the person being judged.

Judging or having unkind thoughts about ourselves and others is a waste of time, emotion and energy that could be put to much better use.

Every day is a new adventure, a gift, and a blessing.

We all deserve happiness. The best place to search for it is inside ourselves. It doesn’t help being somewhere as awesome as Thailand though!

More to come on this, I’m sure!

Check back tomorrow for a fun, new kind of blog post I’ve been working on!

Love,

Zoey

A Week in the Life

Today's mood music:Elevenses- Neil Halstead




I think it's been about a week since my last post and oddly enough, I don't have much to report on. This week was sort of all business, but I did do a few fun and interesting things that I'm happy to report on :) 




Since we have class during the day on Monday-Friday, we try to go out at night and find fun, new places to  go and things to do. Tuesday night, I was feeling restless and spur of the moment decided to go out with a few friends to get piercings. I know that doesn't seem like the kind of thing one should decide to do "spur of the moment", but I've had my nose pierced before and had to take it out because of surgery on my nose. I've been wanting to put it back for some time now, so when a few friends voiced an interest in getting piercings, I was all for it. I went with 5 other friends to a tattoo parlor at a night market where they do piercings. I know that sounds very sketchy, but it looked just like tattoo parlors back in the states and I felt very safe. It was clean and professional and I wasn't concerned at all. However, of the 4 of us that wanted to get piercings I was the ONLY ONE that actually went through with it at first. A bit later my friend Hillary felt bad that everyone chickened out and got hers as well. After that, I enjoyed a nice night out with my friends Abel, Claire and Stephanie. We walked around the market and found our way into a great Pakistani restaurant and topped the night off with some delicious chocolate banana gelato! It was so nice to just relax and explore with people I truly love spending time with. We had some great conversation and just enjoyed each other's company. We usually travel in much larger groups and it was great just to be in the company of a handful of people I love so I could really talk to them. 


Here is a picture of my new nose piercing :)

Wednesday around here so far has a reputation of being my worst day of the week. I have class from early in the morning to mid afternoon and I'm totally pooped by the end of it, but I try to make it to the gym anyway usually. Dinner is never any good on Wednesdays either. It's just sort of a blah day. So, my friends and I decided to go out for dinner and then to a bar to relax. We went to a Mexican restaurant called Miguel's. It. Was. AWESOME. The food was SOOOO good and it was great to taste guacamole again after a few months without it. Hillary and I shared a fried banana with ice cream for dessert. I overate, but it was so worth it. Then we made our way to this really cool bar down the street called the THC bar. It is on the roof of this old building in the middle of Chiang Mai. From the top, you can see one of the palaces and at night when it's lit up, it's absolutely gorgeous. The atmosphere was so relaxed and beautiful. There were lanterns everywhere and you sit on pillows on the ground at low tables japanese style, yet the vibe in the bar is very rasta and they play a lot of reggae music. AT some point, they push the roof back (I know, crazy!) and its just you and the open sky. We had a GREAT view of the moon over the city. It was such a little gem to find and we will definitely be going back.

 Here's a picture of the inside (you can click on any of these photos for a larger view, by the way!) 

At some point in the night, I started to look around me and notice that I was surrounded by couples, at least that's how I felt. I've been single since December and have dated a few guys but mainly remained single. I've met some GREAT guys and made some wonderful friends, but I haven't been in love since my last long-term relationship. At first I was really depressed about being single and missed by ex boyfriend but have since really enjoyed being single, especially while I'm in Thailand so that I don't have anyone to worry about but myself. I can't imagine being in a long distance relationship while I'm here. I don't have the time, energy or emotional wear-with-all to care for someone else right now. For some reason though, seeing all those happy couples around me really made me miss being in love and having that special someone close by to share things with and have that connection to. I started to get really depressed and for the first time in a while was very upset about being single. I even cried and decided that I wanted to leave. A few of my friends saw how upset I was and took me outside and said they would go home with me. After talking to me about why I was so upset, we decided to squish into a tuk-tuk and catch a ride home. As we were walking down the street my friend Liz saw a massage parlor and said "WE SHOULD GET MASSAGES!" We all looked around at each other and no one argued. We got hour long massages and laughed and talked and even conversed with our masseuses in Thai. It was SO much fun and totally took my mind off my boyfriend blues. For some reason, I always end of going out for dinner and getting massages on Wednesdays with my friends. I think it's a great way to take a crappy day and make it fun. I'm pretty positive it will become a regular thing. 


Thursday and Friday were super ordinary. I went to classes as usual. I had my first quiz in my Thai language class and scored 100%. That was basically the highlight. Otherwise, I went to the gym and we all went out at night as usual and just enjoyed one another's company.  Friday was a little unusual I suppose because when we arrived at Thai class our teacher told us that we would be walking over to one of the auditoriums to watch a traditional Thai drama that was being performed for some event. It was terrible. It was beyond strange. It was a retelling of the prodigal son essentially (but with a girl) and it was translated by an old American couple from the south. It was so strange I really can't even explain how odd it was. I enjoyed being immersed in the culture, but to be honest, it was painful to watch. 


Saturday was sensational. It's Payap's Community Outreach Day where we have the opportunity to volunteer with local NGO's (non-profits) and other organizations. I volunteered with an organization called COSA. It's a shelter for girls who were involved in some way with human trafficking. We arrived early in the morning and were met by two young staff members named Laura and Roger. Laura is a Colorado native who attended Lewis and Clark for college and Roger was a recent high school grad from Germany doing is year of service. We were given an introduction to the organization and what they are about. We were able to ask any questions we had and get some very honest, insightful answers. Then we took a tour of the property. It was very small. It is composed of an average sized garden, two medium-sized, single-story buildings, and a larger house pretty typical of Thailand. There are 20 girls who live on the property ranging in age from 5 to 17. They attend school during the day and learn different farming skills in their spare time. The idea is to teach them skills of sustainable farming to help them gain different methods of earning money so that they can avoid going back into sex work to support their families. After our tour, we did a bit of farming ourselves until lunch time. After a delicious home-cooked meal we met the girls who had just gotten back from school and played a few games to learn each other's names. They were very shy at first and they don't speak much English, but we were still able to learn a few things about each other. Next, we broke the girls up into 3 groups and rotated them between stations where we taught English, Geography, and Math. The lessons lasted a few hours and after that we played all sorts of sports and games and exchanged contact information with the older girls so that they could add us on facebook. They were so sweet and it was such a pleasure getting to meet and know them. If you would like any information on the organization, you can read about it at: http://www.cosasia.org/


Here is a picture of the our group with a few of the girls: 

All in all, I would say my week was good. I had a good balance between work, relaxing and playing. We made plans for next weekend and booked a trip to go on the world's longest, highest zip line (how freaking cool is that?) as well as appointments for a few different alternative healings at the Yoga Mala Festival here in Chiang Mai. The Chiang Mai Yoga Mala For Peace In Action will be held on September 17th and 18th, 2011 at the spa resort just outside of Chiang Mai. All Proceeds from this Yoga Outreach Festival will be donated to the Chiang Mai Children's Shelter Foundation. This two day event will include Yoga, Tai Chi, Chi Gong, Dance, Meditation, various discussion circles, performances, healings, card readings and much more. Organic food, products and information tables will be available and we will have full access of the Spa pool, steam room, sauna and jacuzzi! It should be a lot of fun and I'm really excited for next weekend. I'll be sure to post about it all and get some great photos up on my flickr. 




Personally, I've been having a hard week and have a lot to think about. I'm still struggling with body-image and self esteem issues, but this week a new consideration has come up. Through various conversations with my friends here I've realized that the people here view me entirely differently than I view myself. I'm still feeling very lost as a person and the fact that my friends here see me as a person that I have no connection to, makes me question further who I actually am. I also disappointed by the me that they are getting to know. I'm a bit of a transitional, emotional wreck since being here and they only know either this overly-emotional version of me when I'm down or my extremely loud, bubbly side when I'm out having fun. I don't like being perceived as this dichotomous emotional roller coaster. At the same time, I need to appreciate that I must be doing something right because I have so many wonderful friends here who really love me for exactly who I am. It has made me think a lot though about who I am and who I'm becoming. I just kind of have to accept that I'm changing and be comfortable being lost for now. It's VERY hard to do, but I don't have much of a choice. I can only be who I am at any given moment. I just wish I had a little more clarity. With time, I suppose. 


Well, that's all for now friends. I love you all dearly and be sure to check back in with me during the week! 


Love,
Zoey xo