Before I begin: My friend Hillary had this great idea of including a link to a song to listen to when she emails people so they can "feel her vibe/mood through music". I think this is GENIUS and I intend from now on to include a link at the top of the post for you to listen to while you read this. It's not so much about the lyrics as it is the mood the song evokes. At least for me. Thanks for reading, and enjoy!
Black Hole- The Rosebuds
Today was a very emotional day for me. It started out like any other. I woke up in the late morning, rolled out of bed, showered, and put on my uniform before going downstairs to enjoy a delicious lunch with my friends. After lunch, I headed across campus on the shuttle to my tri-weekly, two-hour Thai class. Class is always so much fun (or sanook maak maak in Thai) usually I am excited to be there, but today my head and heart just weren't in it. I wasn't yet in touch with what was bothering me exactly, but I figured I would just ride the wave and hope that the feelings would pass. Being here can be such an emotional roller coaster, but the general attitude of Thailand is very "go with the flow". I try to really embody that while I'm here and hopefully bring it back with me, so when I am feeling emotional I try to just allow for that and let my body and mind do what it needs to in order to process all of this. Little did I know that my slight emotional discomfort would later turn into something else entirely.
After class, I was asked if I wanted to join a few friends to go see a fortune teller. Naturally, being very much into that sort of thing and hoping to have a career in alternative medicine and clairvoyant work myself, I thought it would behoove me to explore as much of that in Thailand as possible. I knew the Universe was trying to tell me something though when we arrived only to find that it was closed. I've been in my mind so much lately, but simultaneously seeking answers to my plethora of questions from everyone but myself. Lately, I've been struggling so much internally with who I want to be and how I am going to make that happen. Beyond that, I've been pondering whether or not that is something that can actively be pursued or rather something that needs to naturally take shape. Today though I received my first clear message from the Universe in quite some time: I will only find the answers I seek within myself. Of course this angered me because looking inside oneself is the hardest and most uncomfortable thing to do, but the better part of me knows that its something that must be done if I truly want to rid myself of my emotional demons and experience real healing here in Thailand.
We came back to campus and headed to the study room to do our 823194086134075 pages of reading we had due for the next day. Disappointed by my plans falling through and overwhelmed by my thoughts about why that might have happened (as I believe nothing is a coincidence), I simply could not focus on my extremely difficult policy reading for Human Rights class and decided to quiet my mind by taking a little power nap. I don't remember what I dreamed about, but I must have found it very unsettling, as I awoke in a cold sweat and completely anxious.
After that I couldn't relax. My mind was racing a million miles a minute and began to fall into a self deprecating cycle. All of my emotional burdens that I've been carrying seem to be boiling up to the surface. I keep telling myself that it's because I'm here to process and release them now that I finally have a world's distance between me and all of what caused that pain but that doesn't make dealing with them in the meantime any less difficult. In fact, it kind of puts pressure on me to fit all of my healing into these four months. Also, I've been dealing with a pretty serious self esteem issue for a few years now, and since coming to Thailand it has really reared it's ugly head. I feel like I'm surrounded by girls who are so naturally beautiful and don't need to try at all to look great, not to mention every picture I see of me shows me things I don't like about myself. Also, Thai people are very, VERY thin and the girls here are SO gorgeous and it's really been eroding what little self esteem I had. So, I decided to be proactive about it. I made a rule for myself that I must go to the gym everyday and not eat sweets (like I have been since I got here). This is not just a weight loss thing but a health thing. It seems that since I've arrived all I've been doing is having fun and simultaneously punishing myself and finding fault with who I am because I either don't like myself or don't know myself. It's really unhealthy.
After my nap I was really caught up in these thoughts and decided I needed to call my mom and get some help. As soon as I got her on the phone, it was as if someone turned on the faucet and my emotional glass was spilling over the edges. I lost it. I actually was so upset that I began to have a panic attack. I got off the phone and ran out to where my friends were. My inhaler was confiscated at air port security and luckily a friend here has one. My friends were extremely supportive and helped me come out of my panic. They talked to me until my mom called me back and although she tried to help, she didn't. I don't think at the time that anyone COULD help me. Something in me didn't want to hear what others were trying to tell me, but I also felt that what I was hearing just wasn't what I needed. I hadn't talked to my friends very much about how I was feeling until after my panic attack and although it was nice to have people there for me, I still felt like no one understood or could help. I was in a really bad place.
I went back to my room to be alone and try and deal with all that I was feeling. I was beginning to become even more upset because my mountain of reading was taking a backseat to my feelings and that just added to my stress. But then something in me suddenly snapped and I decided that enough was enough. I was punishing myself for no reason. I called my friend Hillary and told her that we were going to 711 to get snacks. I'm not fat. If I'm hungry, I can eat, and if I need to eat crap now and then and enjoy myself, I can because I'M NOT FAT. If I want to be healthy, I can go to the gym to strengthen my body and build muscle and work off the extra food I want to enjoy, but just telling myself that I'm ugly all the time and need a new face and such is freaking ridiculous and I need to stop. So, we walked across the street to the 711 here on campus (yes they have 711 in Thailand but it's totally different) and PIGGED OUT. And you know what? IT WAS AWESOME. I didn't even feel guilty because I was actually hungry and I wasn't going to starve myself just to satisfy my delusion that I am too unattractive to eat junk now and then. We sat at a picnic table outside and listened to some Thai students play guitar and talked and laughed and little by little I began to come out of my funk. It was as simple as deciding that I deserved to be happy and not to hate myself anymore. Obviously this is a battle I've been fighting for a long time and it's not going to just go away over night, but I think I might actually be making progress. Only time will tell if this will stick. Fingers crossed.
As she was walking me to my room to say goodnight and such, our friend Liz just appeared out of her room. When I told her about my little epiphany she said "When you decide that you're not the shit, it confuses the rest of us. We ask ourselves 'were we lying to ourselves?' and we start to walk into walls and eat our own feet. You create a cycle! So it's better if you just remember that you're awesome." It was so funny and was just what I needed to hear. She gently pointed out that I am being foolish and that everyone around me can see that I'm awesome, so I should too. Since Hillary doesn't have a roommate the three of us decided to head up there and just talk. We really needed it. We talked until 1 in the morning about EVERYTHING. Life, death, family struggles, the universe and I even did a card reading for Liz. We really bonded and being with them is so therapeutic. It's funny, the two people I've become the closest to on this trip are actually leaving half was through to complete their program in Cambodia. I feel like that in itself is a lesson for me because I am very bad at letting go of people and letting people leave me. I will have to trust in our friendship to stay strong no matter the distance and that is really important for me. It's also important for me to live in the moment with them and enjoy the time I have with them instead of focusing on them leaving.
I know this day wasn't exactly eventful but I feel like I really made some progress on some of my issues and also, I was able to be there and listen to others when they needed me. I was so emotionally dead but somehow found it in me to be a good friend last night to people who were such good friends to me. It reminded me that maybe its possible that human beings impose limitations on ourselves and that we actually have infinite amounts of love and energy to give. Maybe I tell myself that I'm empty and drained and that makes it so. Perhaps if I tell myself the opposite, I will experience the opposite. I'm really learning about the power of our own thoughts and I need to seriously change my thinking patterns about myself if I want to succeed.
Thanks for reading and thanks for loving me. It means more to me than I can say that in just these 3 weeks I've had over 600 hits. To know that so many people care about me enough to keep checking in fills my heart. It's actually all of you that are helping me realize that my issues of self esteem are bogus. Hopefully I will learn to love myself as much as you do. I hope you know how much that love is returned<3
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