Today felt like the first day of my life. My new life. I made some real positive changes and moves in the right direction. I also realized that I have an amazing support system all around me here.
It didn't get interesting until the early evening, though. I woke up late in the morning as usual and relaxed in bed for a little while perusing the internet until I was ready to greet the day. I had a little bit of a melt down when I was getting ready for class and for some reason was feeling insecure about nearly every little part of my appearance. That passed as soon as I realized it was time for lunch and that I needed to eat if I wanted to make it to class on time. I met my two friends Alex and Kathryn as I was headed to the cafeteria and had lunch with them. I always really enjoy their company, even when we aren't saying much of anything. They are two really special people. We caught the shuttle to the opposite side of campus and made it to class just in the nick of time. My 3-hour Human Rights class was surprisingly SUPER boring today and I almost fell asleep! I think I might have, I just really hope my teacher didn't see. I also really hope he isn't reading this blog. The heat here makes me sooo sleepy but having the air conditioning on in the classroom makes everyone too cold.
Anywayyy, this is where it gets good. At least, in my opinion. After class, I was dead set on going to the gym. When I got there, my very special friend, Claire, who totally puts me in a great mood was on the elliptical next to the one I intended to use. I always feel like her energy brings mine up simply by being around her. She is such a warm, open, sunshine-y person and really holds a special place in my heart. I made a conscious decision NOT to bring any music with me today so that I could kind of meditate while I worked out. I spent an entire fourty minutes on the elliptical, all the while repeating positive mantras in my mind about myself and the world, including:
"I love and care for my strong, healthy, beautiful body" or "I am love, I am joy, I am peace, I am one. They are love, they are joy, they are peace, they are one. We are love, we are joy, we are peace, we are one"
otherwise, I would just say really nice things that I like about myself and affirm positive things for myself about who I am as a person and student. It felt awesome and I was really in the zone!
When I got off the elliptical, I was in SUCH a wonderful mood. I saw that a few of my friends had shown up to the gym as well and was happy to see their faces. One of the faces I saw was my friend Alex who I mentioned before. I knew he was quite serious about his work outs and has a pretty solid plan for what he does with weights. I walked over and asked if he would teach me a little which he was more than happy to do. He was so patient with me and helped me set up the equiptment before each set. I spotted him and provided moral support when necessary. It was so nice to have a partner and it really motivated us both. Not only was Alex a huge help but I also loved having a lot of my other friends around, just enjoying working out and being near each other. I can't wait to keep doing it. I'm really sore, but in the best kind of way and I loved the productive quality time with my friends.
Then, I talked to Claire about ways we could stay positive. She is a total health nut. Because she is used to a mostly raw, vegetarian diet back home, she is having a very difficult time adjusting to the food here since it is so high in oils and is generally heavy. So, I thought it would be a good idea for her and I to go on weekly grocery store runs to pick up healthy snack options. There is so much wonderful fruit here to try and they have oatmeal, yogurt, nuts and such as well at the grocery store. We are going to try to keep each other on the right path with food. I'm going to make sure that she is eating enough, and she is going to make sure that I'm eating well. It's perfect. I'm really trying not to use food to punish myself anymore. For some reason, I get hungry late in the evenings around 8:30 or so here in Thailand and I used to just let myself starve because I felt too fat to get a snack. I now decided to tell myself that that is NOT true and to allow myself to eat a little something when I'm hungry. However, the only food anywhere close to campus is total crap at the 711, so this grocery store idea is just what I need to allow myself to eat when I'm hungry, but to eat food that is going to be good for my body and in turn my mental state.
Later, I found my way into my friend Hillary's room and had a study party with 5 of my other friends, Kathryn, Liz, Hillary, Claire and a Thai student, Jayje. Hillary doesn't have a roommate, so we pushed the beds together into what we call an Emperor-sized bed (since we are in Asia) and all piled onto it to do some homework. We practiced our Thai together for our upcoming quiz (which was great since we had an actual Thai person in the room to correct our tones and pronunciation!) and took breaks to talk about things that were bothering us or that we needed advice on. It was so nice to be having fun, being productive, AND getting in some much needed venting/advice giving and getting all at once! This is a picture we took to commemorate how much fun we had:
I also decided to start a new practice of making a list of things I know and like about myself before I go to bed each night. Since I'm feeling lost and like I don't really know or like myself as a person, I thought this would be a great way of not only staying positive about myself, but getting to know myself again. I also thought it would be a good idea to start each day off by reading my list from the night before so I have a positive note to begin my day with!
All in all I would say today was really positive. I not only took care of my body and mind, but I allowed others to help me and created a support system for myself. I've really had this idea in my head that I need to do everything alone. I feel like I've come to Thailand to learn to be independent and self-sufficient. I thought that accepting help from others would mean that I was failing at that and somehow made me weak. What I'm learning is that being independent and allowing others to help you are not mutually exclusive acts. In fact, I'm learning that allowing others to help me and allowing myself to accept help is in fact making me stronger. I feel good to have been able to support those around me as well. There is a really nice balance of give and take between my friends and I and I think we are really creating a mutual support system that will benefit us all. I really appreciate the openness and honesty between us all. They are direct yet loving in their communication and give you a reality check when you need one. Not only can they give it, but they all accept constructive criticism so well, something I respect and admire. I feel so lucky to be with these people. They are some of the kindest, smartest, most loving, supportive, and interesting people I know, especially my age. It is rare to find such motivated, strong, independent, compassionate people who know themselves so well at 20 years old. They inspire me more than I can say. They each have their own stories and hardships, yet they don't let it define them. They are defined instead by their successes and goals, not their pains. They are so self-assured, and self aware enough to recognize their faults and address them in a healthy manor. They motivate me to be my best self and help me see things clearly. They are really helping me out of my self-hating fog that I seem to be in. I feel so blessed to know them and to call them my friends. If you're reading this, I love you.
This may not have been my most interesting post, but I felt like I needed to tell you that things were looking up for me. I know I've really been struggling lately and although it is good that I'm being 100%, if you are close to me, that must be difficult to read. Especially since you are all so far away and can't really help. So, I wanted to make sure to include the things in my life that were going right so that we could all feel better. I don't want to hog all this positivity and optimism! :)
Until next time! xo
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