“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today's Mood Music: The song that reminds me of you most Anna Sun- Walk the Moon. It was the first song you ever recommended to me and of course it was dead on. You suggested I use it to wake up in the mornings so I felt jazzed for class. I didn't forget. By the way, the kid in this video dances just like you. It makes me laugh. I have it on repeat right now. 


Remember to check out my Flickr page as well.


This post is kind of directed at someone special, but honestly, I think this is an important lesson that we should all hope to learn at some point in our lives (if I may say so myself). 


One of the most difficult parts of transformation is the processes of shedding what no longer serves you. Even though you know that that person, action, behavior, thought, character trait or so on is not healthy for you at that current moment in your life, the idea of being without it is excruciating. One of the most difficult things that I have had to do since coming here was let go of my very best friend in the world.


This person gave me friendship like I've never understood it before. He taught me what it is to be a good friend. He stood by me when I was at my lowest, when I treated him poorly, and when I begged him to walk away because I couldn't handle closeness. I had a bad tendency of pushing people away before they could leave me of their own volition. He and I dated for a little while which did not turn out well because I could not differentiate the deep platonic love I felt for him from a romantic love. Even when I ended up breaking up with him, he stayed by my side as my best friend. For all the good that we gave each other, there also (naturally) came some bad. We began to lean on one another too much. There is a difference between closeness and attachment, and we blurred that line. I was sharing every little up and down with him which is all fine and dandy, but now that I'm here, surrounded by all my wonderful new friends, I forget sometimes that I came here to be independent. Not just from him, but from everyone.There are so many people around me here and back home who want to love and care for me, but I have to learn to do it myself for once. I need not to lean on him right now. I need to learn to be self-reliant and to develop a better relationship with myself. Realizing this hurt more than I can say, but I knew it was time to let him go and get some distance in order to achieve some clarity in my own life. I felt like part of me was being ripped away, but I understood that it had to happen. What hurt even more, was that I saw him gaining independence as well (and starting to date other girls). It destroyed me to see this happening, so in anger I pushed him away and said some very hurtful things. I could see that we were both changing and it terrified me. I kept thinking about what would happen if we changed SO much that we could no longer be friends. When I got a second to step back, I realized why I was doing it and that actually, in a way, that this was for the best. If we don't take advantage of this time apart to become stronger individuals, we would be cheating ourselves out of a stronger, more healthy friendship. He NEEDS to start dating other people whether I like it or not and I NEED to learn how to take care of myself when I'm hurting or upset. This is exactly what we need right now and if I hadn't pulled away, I would have been robbing us both of a chance to truly grow as individuals. I don't want to need him in my life, I want to want him and enjoy him just for who is he, not for what he brings to my life, and I would hope for the same from him. That can't happen unless we take this time to truly be apart. Learning how to let go before the situation became toxic and we became too dependent on one another is never something I've been good at and it's ruined a lot of relationships for me. Not this time. I hope he can see that I let him go (for now) because I really love him as a friend. I want him to have independence and freedom and happiness. I want to become stronger and more self-sufficient. I also needed to be mature enough to not lash out at him for doing what he had to do. So, I had to make a difficult decision, but honestly, it was right and although it's painful and I miss him, I don't regret it. It still terrifies me that we may have changed or will change so much in this time apart that we can't make a friendship work, but I have to embrace that fear just as I do with all other things that scare me here, and understand what is best for us both. 


I'm sharing this with all of you for a multitude of reasons, but primarily because learning to let go of the things and people we love is so, so, so vital to life. I've said it about a billion times in a few of my posts, but letting go is one of the hardest things we learn as human beings, but it is one of the most rewarding. It can be agonizing. I have definitely cried over this. However, the pain is worth whatever personal growth is gained from realizing that we truly need nothing and no one but ourselves and recognizing ourselves as whole individuals who need for nothing. When we view ourselves as part of the whole, we learn how to appreciate those around us as blessings and stop viewing them as necessities. People deserve to be truly loved and you cannot truly love someone if you think you need them or if you use them as a crutch. We must really know and love ourselves before we can truly love another in the purest sense. It's my time to learn how to do both. 


So friend, if you're reading this, let me say: “Even though we've changed and we're finding our own place in the world, we know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not still friends.” 


I still love you and I miss you. This is just something I have to do on my own. I know you're confused but I really do think that one day you'll see that this is what you need too and be glad that it happened.