"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey."- Kenji Miyazawa

It only seemed appropriate that today's mood music would be the song that inspired this post:
Fireworks by Animal Collective

I want to talk a little bit about loss. To clearly state my thoughts, I will use a very personal example that I don’t often share with many.

I was deeply in love with someone from the beginning of my freshman year of college until the middle of my sophomore year. Truth is, some part of me is still in love with who he used to be. When we broke up, I was destroyed. I allowed my pain to cause me to act in terrible ways and I really was not my best self. I hurt intensely for at least six months. I felt like the boy I had loved had literally died because he was gone and he was never coming back. Our time together was over. Our break up had changed us both so much that there was no turning back and we actually became enemies. Recently though, we had found peace, put the past behind us, and I thought that I had finally gotten over him. Then today, my friend unknowingly played his old favorite song from when we first started dating, and I immediately broke down. I really lost it. It was SO unexpected and I never imagined that I would react that way to something that reminded me of him, especially at this point nine months after our break up. In that instant, I was thrown back, heart-first into the pain I felt when I lost him. It was like it was happening all over again.

It is BEYOND difficult to lose someone or something. It is agonizing. Letting go, is the hardest thing that human beings must learn how to do. What I’m coming to realize though, is that if I look inside myself, I can see that nothing is ever really lost. I may have lost this boy, but I will ALWAYS hold my memories of our time together in my heart. Each moment I’ve shared with him is stored somewhere in my heart and soul and I will always possess those things, therefore, he is always with me and a part of me. Not only that, but the lessons I learned from that relationship will stay with me forever as well. If we are all really made from the same thing, if we are all really a part of the One, then nothing can ever be lost. If we are all one (which I firmly believe that we are), then there is nothing to lose. Everything you could ever hope to have is already somewhere within you. Everything beautiful you see around you is also inside you. In this way, loss is a non-event. You cannot lose anything as long as you have yourself and your faith that we are all a part of Love, God, the One. With this knowledge, letting go is also a non-event. There is nothing to let go of, just the illusion of something being separate from you. The people around you are also a part of you as you are a part of them and in that way, you cannot let go. You don’t have to.

Obviously, this is just a concept and in this reality we call a world, it is extremely difficult to actualize. It would take a LOT of faith and very little investment in the human experience. I am certainly not at that level, but I strive to be.  This does not have to be applied simply to the loss of a person or thing, but can also refer to the loss of the way we act , think, feel or see the world. At this point, Thailand is helping me see that when you let go of something, you are immediately filled with something else (usually something better!). I came here and had to let go of my friends back home, my family, everything comfortable and familiar, and ultimately my “self” as a person. The whole experience reminds me of the quote “We let go of things that are good to make way for things that are great.” And that is really what I’m doing. I am letting go of the things that stood between me and a better relationship with my friends, family, and myself. I have been trying not to hold on in my life in so many ways. I have been working on releasing pain and guilt and bad memories. I have been working on releasing my need to control so much in my life and to control those around me. I have donated my clothes and attempted to live with fewer worldly possessions. I've been working on releasing bad habits and behaviors that don't serve me. Since being here, I have been asked to actively do these things at a higher level than I was before. I have been asked to step out of my comfort zone and abandon ideas that I held about the world, myself, and my place in the world. I have been asked to learn to let go and accept loss even when I feel like the world around me is crumbling and I as a person am caving in. I came to Thailand to be brave, and part of that is letting go of everything in my life that isn't positive and learning to accept loss even though it scares me to death.

I wish just having this knowledge made it easier, but it doesn’t. I still miss that person (as he was back then) and the time we had together. Hearing his favorite song still hurts. This knowledge may not remove the pain, but each time I attempt to truly LIVE those ideas rather than just understand them, the pain seems to subside a bit. I think this is where I will finally learn patience. A little bit of effort everyday and loss will seem less gigantic and positivity and faith will prevail.

I mean, they have to...right?